How to Be an Apostate

Recently.

I had a spiritual experience.

I talked to Jesus.  Again.

And.

I rejected the call to be a prophet.

***

I want to be clear.  This feels like only a partial rejection.  I mean.  I’m talking about the experience at all.  And the whole point of being a prophet is getting the message out right.

So here I am.  Spreading the message.

I’m not going to pretend to not spread a message that I’m spreading.

But.

I received the call to be a prophet.

I spoke to Jesus.

And I rejected him.

He can find someone else to be his prophet.

Also, I don’t think any of this is real.  So, there’s that too.

***

But.  I’m getting ahead of myself.

I started this journey working on a book called “How to be an Antichristian”.

I am a queer trans disabled black woman and a reprobate.  And.  I am The Enemy™ for most Christians out there, a child of the antichrist if you will.

So.  The term Antichristian has already been applied to me.  So much so that Christians would vote for Nazis just to hurt people like me.

So, I figured.  What the hell.  I’ll just claim the term then.  And then, I decided to figure out how to live, now that I had disconnected from the church and its teachings.  Because no matter how much I ran from their theology, my morality still comes from teachings I received as a brainwashed child.

But.  A queer friend of mine told me, “Hey, my husband is a Christian.  How can you be a friend and an antichristian?  It doesn’t really matter what you ‘mean’ by it.  It matters what you say.”  I’m paraphrasing.

And from there, I left the term Antichristian for Apostate.

Doesn’t have the same ring.

“How to be an Apostate”

And it is in this headspace that I received my spiritual revelation.  Or whatever you want to call it.

You see.

When you are a kid.  And everyone is trying to tell you what to do and enforcing their authority over you.  The idea that there is an all-powerful being that “loves the little children”.  It’s kind of intoxicating.

And so many of us had conversations with that god.  Whatever he was.  Figment of our imagination or real.  We had conversations ... until the church fucked us up by teaching us to hate different parts of ourselves for being “unholy”.

And, it was like that.  Which was nice.

Healing?  No.

I had some words for that fucking god.

Well, let me back up.  Just Jesus.  God can burn in hell.

But Jesus claimed to love me.  And then sat back and let my parents and the church and the Bible tear apart my heart and soul and stomp all over me.

So.  I had words.

And Jesus said.  I’m sorry.

And, I think that I am sharing these ideas.  Because.  They change the narrative.

Not to one I can believe.  I can’t believe in that world.  But to a narrative that I can make peace with.

Jesus said I’m sorry.  Gods can’t apologize.  You don’t get to pretend to be supernatural and also capable of mistakes.  But here we were.  Jesus said I’m sorry. So.  I listened. Jesus said she is the antichrist. Yea, I made god transgender.  Haha.  Talking about creating god in your own image. Take it or leave it.  I don’t think this shit is real.

Jesus said that when she became a god.  (Ideas become gods through collective beliefs.)  Jesus said that when she became a god, she went to war with Caesar.

And that Caesar tried to kill her.  Tried to snuff out her idea.  Her people.  Turned it into a sport.  Watching her children be killed.

And so.  She fought back.  Because persecution can turn you violent.  No matter how much you try to be otherwise.  And she found another god.  Christ.  And Christ said that He would destroy Caesar once and for all.  That He would conquer the whole world.  And that Jesus and Her children would finally be safe.

Christ was a conqueror God.

And Jesus fell under his spell.

And just like any abuser.  He was more interested in power and control than love.

So.

Jesus comes to me.  Not as a god.  But as a battered woman who let the church conquer and hurt the entire world.  And she says that she is sorry.

And she says that she is leaving Christ.  That she is done with conquering.  That she does not demand worship from anyone.  That she is the god of children.  That she is simply a friend who loves others.

She says that she, Jesus, is the Antichrist.

***

Now.  That’s kind of healing.

It’s the kind of story I needed to hear.  As someone who begged her mom for acceptance at her mother’s deathbed.  And was still rejected.  In the name of serving god.

Jesus apologizing for all the harm in the world.  And rejecting this idea of conquering and being the most important and being worshiped so much that she would accept being hated, even hated by her own followers.

Jesus becoming the Antichrist.

There’s power in that story.  I’ve lived in deconstructionist spaces long enough.  I know how the manipulation of spiritual ideas works.  There is a hunger for something new to believe in.  There’s a deep hunger for a story that reconciles the Jesus of their childhood with the evils of the church.  And, I know this story could do that.

***

And, in the face of that, to the Jesus that said she was sorry.

Fully accepting whatever the consequences are for humanity if this message isn’t spread as truth.

I said no.

I will not be your prophet.

And she said ok.  But I still want to be your friend.  If you will have me.

And.  I’m not there yet.  I don’t know if I will ever be there.

But.  I’m open to it.  I think.  Maybe we could be friends.

***

So.  I shared my story.  Feel free to take or leave it.  But.  I want you to know.  That I said no.

If someone comes along and tries to take those ideas and turn them into a religion.  More power to them.  I won’t be angry.  But I won’t be a part of it.

I am an apostate.

This is what this book is about.

This is what I want to share.

You can live in both spaces.  You can think that you have the story that could change the world for the better.  And you can have the humility to not force that story on the world in front of you.

If someone tries to take my experience, turn it into a religion, and sentence anyone who doesn’t believe to eternal death.

Kill me first.

I am an apostate.

And I want to teach you.

How to be an Apostate.